Saturday, March 7, 2009

Who's the Better Vampire Boyfriend?

I concede that from the time of Bram Stoker and before, vampires were seductive and alluring. Recall Jonathan Harker’s vision in Dracula’s castle: “I was afraid to raise my eyelids, but looked out and saw perfectly under the lashes. The fair girl went on her knees, and bent over me, fairly gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal, till I could see in the moonlight the moisture shining on the scarlet lips and on the red tongue as it lapped the white sharp teeth.” Yet, at the same time, vampires were still repulsive and horrifying, to be avoided at all costs.

Now, with the advent of the “Twilight” novels, vampires have been transformed from seductive monsters to romantic ideals, with most of the fear and loathing gone. No doubt there’s a doctoral thesis out there waiting to be written on how cultural differences between the 19th and 21st centuries account for the change in attitude toward vampires.

In any event, by her own accounts, Ellen has developed something bordering on an obsession with the HBO series “True Blood.” So, my interest was peaked when I saw the following item in an online publication:
“True Blood” vs. “Twilight”: Who's the Better Vampire Boyfriend? By Don Williams
What Does He Eat?
Edward: As a “vegetarian” vampire he only hunts animals, but he does think humans smell rather tasty.

Bill: He survives off a synthetic blood-like product known as Tru Blood, which seems to be available in most bars or convenience stores. Tru Blood can't compare to the real thing, but he makes do.

What Are His Interests?
Edward: He likes to brood, wow people with his beauty, run through the forest, drive fast and play baseball.

Bill: He enjoys entertaining guests, playing video games, visiting the local bars and reminiscing about his days in the Civil War.

Where Will He Take You On a Date?
Edward: He might take you to a nice Italian restaurant for some mushroom ravioli, but since he doesn't eat food it could make you feel a little awkward.

Bill: He'll probably invite you to his mansion to play some Wii, or maybe out to Fangtasia, the nearby vampire bar.

Will He Be Available During the Day?
Edward: Yes, but he has to stick to cloudy locales so no one sees him sparkle in the sunlight.

Bill: Nope. He'll be asleep while you're out in the sunshine, so prepare to become a night owl.

How's the Sex?
Edward: He worries about killing humans with his massive strength, so sex is off limits.

Bill: He can control his strength, so you can have all the hot sex you desire. However, you may end up with some nasty bite marks.

Can You Take Him Home to Meet the Family?
Edward: Yes. He'll insist on meeting your parents before taking you out on any serious dates.

Bill: Yes, Bill is as charming as he is handsome. Unfortunately, people who are kind to him sometimes die mysteriously.

What Are His Bad Habits?
Edward: He'll probably read your mind without asking, and he may sneak into your bedroom to watch you sleep.

Bill: He has a crazy jealousy streak, so you may have to stop flirting with other guys once you're with him.

Will He Defend Your Honor?
Edward: Yes, he'll always be there to rescue you from whatever dangerous situation you fall into. In fact, he may swoop in to save the day more often than you like.

Bill: He'll defend you to the death, but he also understands that you need to be independent and fight your own battles sometimes.

After comparing the True Blood vamp to the Twilight bloodsucker, I've determined that Bill would make the better boyfriend. It's true that you may be stalked by a crazy serial killer for fraternizing with him, but at least you'll be able to have sex when you're not running from danger. Besides, it's good to spend some time away from your significant other, which is something you won't get with Edward. Not only is he around during the day, but he'll also watch you sleep. How creepy is that?
So, I forwarded the question to Ellen: “Ellen, remember the best boyfriend game? Contestants included Joe Willard, Almanzo Wilder, Gilbert Blythe and Teddy Kent [heartthrobs from young adult literature]. Now the game goes to a whole new level: Who would make the better vampire boyfriend? Twilight's Edward Cullen or True Blood's Bill Compton?”

Her slightly edited response (to eliminate plot spoilers):

Great question, Dad. I may be biased because I think Tru Blood is way better than Twilight. Even still, Bill is just better than Edward. First off, he's a grown man. From what I've heard, Edward is stuck as a teenager for all eternity. Who wants to date a teenager? Give me a man. Second, Edward (once again according to my friends) always talks about how he can smell Bella's blood and that it makes him crazy. Creepy much? Bill seems to have more self-control when it comes to intimacy. He lays it all out on the table and explains what could come with being intimate with a vampire--bites. At the same time, though, he says he doesn't necessarily need to bite Sooky because he has the self-control Edward lacks. . . . Bill is my pick because he's more realistic than Edward. Edward is some mushy gushy “I'm so sad I'm a vampire” person, whereas Bill doesn't like the fact that he's a vampire but has decided to deal with it as best as he can. Go Bill for manning up and dealing with your life. Boo Edward for shoving your problems on Bella. . . .
So, fellow bloggers, who would make the better boyfriend? Sean, I’m sure you have some thoughts on this.

6 comments:

james said...

Bill, hands down. All you had to do was put the Sex category up there.

Ted said...

Bill, definitely, although I am biased because I have not read or seen Twilight. Still, I'd have to go with Bill exactly because he still maintains Stoker's criteria for a vampire: he is both seductive and repulsive as we can see through Sookie's changing reactions towards him. (I should have done something on this for my MA thesis - what was I thinking with road paving?)

Ted said...

I too will have to go with Bill, although I may be biased in that I have never read or seen Twilight (and thought True Blood was one of the best television series I have seen). I think Bill actually possesses the vampire traits put forward by Stoker, namely he is both seductive and repelling, as is evident through Sookie's changing attitude towards him (I should have written on this for my MA thesis instead of road paving - what was I thinking?)

Peter H of Lebo said...

"Edward: He worries about killing humans with his massive strength, so sex is off limits" reminds me of the Futurama episode (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0584431/) where the main characters are sentence to death by way of pelvis crushing sex. The main characters see the skeletal remains of victims- crushed pelvis but with their skulls smiling. Thus I will have to go with Edward-the opportunity of life ending sex does not come around very often and it has to be the best way to go. Convincing Edward maybe difficult though.

Sean Harvey said...

I tried to think of more vampires to add to the mix but I'm not well versed in all the different 'buffy' characters. And I've seen neither of these movies or read books or wherever they come from. I'm just going to agree with whatever the majority above me said

James R Harvey said...

I'm going with Count Chocula.