What!? Think of your readers!
Ha ha ha.
Can I at least ask a few questions?
Whatever.
Bah! You…you hypocrite! You liar! You Judas!
Huh?
You, of all people! When the boundless grief is too heavy to bear…. When Sisyphus turns to embrace the rock once again…. Where else is the myth played out so perfectly than when the wretched, hopeless Pirates at the base of the mountain find their burden once again?
Zounds! You're right.
And the fat lady, old and dying of cancer…ah buddy…buddy. Listen to me, now — She's reading this blog and has seats in the right field upper deck. Do it for her.
OMG! The joy that fills a man's heart is too great. Of course, I'll do it! Ask away!
Well let's start with an easy one. How perceptive was last year's preview?
Oh, you're quite the flatterer:
"… starting pitching will be bad." - It was horrible. They combined for an almost unbelievable ERA of 5.28.
"… we will have a losing season." - We had the third most losses in Pirate history
Not bad…I mean with the predicting. So what would a perceptive Pirate management learn from last year?
The Pirates were 30th in ERA (5.0) last year. Yes, that was last. They also finished with the worst record in baseball by losing 105 times. The Giants, on the other hand, were 1st in ERA (3.36) last year. They won the World Series.
Aha. So, to win we must improve our pitching. How's the starting pitching this year compared to last?
Unfortunately, it's the same with one exception. Here's last year:
Paul Maholm. . . . . . . .5.10 ERA . . . . . . . . 9-15 W-LZach Duke was traded to Arizona for Cesar Valdez (RHP 26 7.65 ERA).
Ross Ohlendorf . . . . . 4.07 . . . . . . . . . . . . 1-11
James McDonald . . . .4.02 . . . . . . . . . . . . 4-6
Brian Burres . . . . . . . 4.99 . . . . . . . . . . . . 4-5
Charlie Morton . . . . . .7.57 . . . . . . . . . . . . 2-12
Jeff karstens . . . . . . .4.92 . . . . . . . . . . . . 3-10
Zach Duke . . . . . . . . 5.72 . . . . . . . . . . . . 8-15
Kevin Correia, along with his two-year, $8 million contract, was acquired. He should fit in nicely as he has a lifetime ERA of 4.57—in spacious Petco Park
Um…so the change was to get rid of a 4.54 lifetime ERA pitcher and replace him with a lifetime 4.57 ERA pitcher?
Yes. But what could Pirate management do since there are no pitching prospects ready in our minor league system? And don't forget General Manager Neal Huntington admitted, "We can't spend the amount of money it takes to bring in a top-of-the-rotation starter…. Or, really, a middle-of-the-rotation starter…." So, to their credit, they realize Correia is barely major league material.
What do you mean "no pitching prospects"? What about javelin thrower Rinku Sing and fellow 'million dollar arm' Dinesh Patel?
In the two years since their celebrated signings and presidential visit, Patel has pitched a total of 13 innings, Singh, 35. Patel was released; Sing will likely be playing for the State College Spikes this year.
From Rinku's Down Under blog when he was playing for the Canberra Cavalry in the Australian Baseball League:
This picture Lincoln Monument - He United States President that saying no one having slaves. Ah, well, baseball's has so many rules to learn.
English, as well. But if you enjoy the 'million dollar arm' saga, you may be interested that Singh grew 2 more inches since he signed and is now 6' 4'', and Hollywood bought the movie rights.
OK, Rome wasn't built in 18 years…hmm… or was it? OK, we have the same or slightly worse pitching as last year. Any other changes made to baseball's cellar sitters?
Sure, we got another new manager, Clint Hurdle. For the 18th straight year, according to baseball writers everywhere, we will have better enthusiasm and clubhouse chemistry. We should have enough chemistry by now to create WMD's.
Come on, surely we signed an over-the-hill, over paid veteran who will be let go before the end of the season?
That would be Lyle Overbay, 34, batted .243 last year, salary $5 million
or Matt Diaz, 33, batted .250 last year, salary $4.25 million/2 years
Gaaaaaah! Why don't we learn? Why, oh why are we such losers?
Seven down…over to you Kitty.
That was rhetorical! Unless you really know why we are such losers.
You mean, aside from being worst in the league to evaluate talent for the draft? And worst to continue to pay those few exceptions that sneak by our evaluators?
Um…yeah. Other than that—since 'The Plan' is now in place.
Actually I do, and it's poetic.
What!?
Well, not exactly poetry. Let's call it…
The historical doggerel of doom times three.
Now testify, what should I presume that be?
1. Last year's new pitching ace—this year stinks up the place.Historical doggerel 1: Oliver Perez, Tom Gorzelanny, Ian Snell, and Zack Duke
2. Last year's rookie sensation—this year fails in frustration.
3. Last year's winter addition—this year triggers sedition.
The years of these curses have made us the worses.
This year's candidate: James McDonald.
Historical doggerel 2: Ronny Paulino, Tike Redman, and Chris Duffy
This year's candidate: Neil Walker.
Historical doggerel 3: 'Operation Shutdown' Derek Bell, Jerromy Brunitz, and Aki Iwamura. And how could we forget the strange tale by Raul Mondesi that a family member in the Dominican Republic was kidnapped, so he had to leave the team—never to return.
This year's candidate: Lyle Overbay.
Please, is there any way to change these shadows you have shown me?
Come, come, cut out the dramatics. You well know that baseball, like life, is not determined. Fate is a human matter, which must be settled among men. There is no more reason to believe The historical doggerel of doom times three than, say, the Curse of the Bambino. Of course, that took 86 years to break.
Aggghhh!
All right. Here is some good news. Who would you say has the highest lifetime batting average on the Pirates?
Um…McCutchen?
Not even close. It's new free agent Matt Diaz with a lifetime average of .301! Yes, he batted .250 last year, but when he gets near 300 at bats during the season, he hits .325, even higher against left handers, which he will see most often as he will platoon in right field with Garret Jones, who hits significantly better against right handers. Plus, Lyle Overbay, despite his .243 last year, has a .274 lifetime average—more than 30 pts. higher than our team average last year.
Even if Neil Walker and Lyle Overbay fall to The historical doggerel of doom times three and Pedro Alvarez vies for the strike out title this year, the Pirates should hit better than last year.
Another serendipity involves newly acquired pitcher Scott Olsen. Despite Olsen having in the past been fined, suspended, and arrested, as well as carrying a career ERA of 4.85, Pirate management signed him. Fortunately, he will start the season far away from Pittsburgh on the disabled list.
Also, this year, unlike last, we beat Manatee Community College in spring training.
Enough!
OK, that was mean. Let me make it up to you by offering baseball's most stunning stat. You will not find this anywhere else. Tampa Bay was third in the major leagues in runs, behind Boston and the Yankees, who they tied for the division championship. However, they had a Pirate-like (.242) batting average of .247. How did they do it?
Home runs?
Nope, middle of the league. They led the league in walks, stolen bases, and sacrifice flies! Pirate management take note. There are substitute strategies for bad batters.
In summary, the most fun this year will be watching how the marketing department spins essentially the same team as last year. Next best will be watching Andrew McCutchen and Jose Tabata run and hit. Hopefully Diaz and others follow. Alas, pitching will again lead us to the basement. Management and others will again point to the depth of our fall as a sign of our rising. But beware, the Phillies lost more than 100 games for 5 seasons in a row.
I'll be watching how The historical doggerel of doom times three plays out. Is there any reason to go to a Pirate game this year?
Well, I wouldn't post 'Pirate fan' on your Facebook, but there will be plenty of bobbleheads and alternate clothing. Just keep this in mind:
He: Hi, I really had fun last night. Do you want to go out again next week?I understand—don't expect to get to first base with the Pirates.
She: Sure. I had a good time too.
He: I was thinking of maybe going to a Pirate game.
She: *click*
Word. And finally to sum up the coming season, no one said it better than the Boston papers:
Huntington's 'Pirates!' plumbs depths of burlesque humor
2 comments:
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!! I've been so looking forward to it.
The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there's Gilberto's war wound - but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch ... there was light at the end of the tunnel . .. now this . .. now this...
I wasn't expecting anyone being up so late last night. My intention was to wait until later today to complete the post, but your comment was so incredible that I couldn't bear to hide the light any longer.
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