The Hermeneutics of Wishes - IV

[First episode of The Hermeneutics of Wishes]

So be careful what you wish for
'Cause you just might get it and if you get it
Then you just might not know what to do wit' it
'Cause it might just come back on you ten fold
—Eminem

Calculating Means

We've heard many narratives from long ago. What about a more modern scenario? As you might suspect it's more calculating.

Isabel lived on a cull de sac. A cunning wife, with degrees in both psychology and law, she had grown tired of her less than perfect husband. He had been a good catch, but they had grown hopelessly apart. Last week-end she realized for the first time that he danced like a boat.

"A boat?"

"Yes, honey, you do."

She was the practical one in the marriage. One day she was cleaning out her husband's pockets before throwing his soiled clothing into the washer when she discovered a curious looking object. He was forever browsing pawn shops and garage sales. This looked like an old hook-shaped talisman made of bone. She started to rub her fingers over the carved pattern when suddenly a purplish wisp of smoke arose, and an incorporeal figure appeared before her. Whether jinn or ifrit she could not tell, but was determined to make the most of her luck. The voice was frighteningly deep and powerful:

"I grant to thee, from health to gold,
Three wishes, true to what I'm told.
But when the wish itself takes hold,
Your spouse receives the same, tenfold.
(Yet my advice—be I so bold:
Tis best to have this trinket sold.)"

The last two lines were spoken more personally, yet also with a certain resignation. Elated at what she heard, to be sure, Isabel soon gained her poise and considered her options. The jinni flame flickered impatiently, but she waved her arm for more time to think. She was calculating means to her ends… and finally knew what she wanted. She had vaguely formed these wishes before her jinni ever appeared.

"I wish to be the fairest in all the land," she said. "The most beautiful. No, wait." She hesitated, "I wish to be the sexiest in the land."

"Reflect upon what you've been told.
Your spouse receives the same, tenfold.
(I warn you, have this trinket sold.)"

"You heard me. Do my bidding. I have no problem with my husband being ten times as sexy."

"Tis done—behold!"

And the woman saw in the mirror that the jinni held, that she was indeed the fairest, or rather the sexiest, in the land. She would have no problem getting any man she wanted. In fact, she would have no problem getting anything she wanted.

Without hesitation now, because she had carefully considered all three wishes, she said, "I wish to be beneficiary for a $100 million life insurance policy on my husband."

"Reflect upon what you've been told.
Your spouse receives the same, tenfold.
(I warn you, have this trinket sold.)"

"Your work is quite satisfactory, but I wish you would list…" She caught herself just in time. "I wish to be the beneficiary for a $100 million life insurance policy on my husband. I have no concern about my husband receiving one for ten times as much."

"Tis done—behold!"

And the woman received the policy the jinni held out. She looked it over. It seemed perfectly satisfactory, properly dated with the correct names and amount. Her specialty was not inheritance nor insurance law, but this looked genuine. She was proud of herself; it was going quite well.

"Now for my third wish. I wish to have a mild heart attack."

"Reflect upon what you've been told.
Your spouse receives the same, tenfold.
(I warn you, have this trinket sold.)"

"You are tiresome. I wish for a mild heart attack."

"Tis done—behold!"

"Ouch!" she cried as she collapsed to the laundry room floor. "This isn't good."
She felt a tingling on her left side. "This is mild?" But the jinni as well as the talisman was gone. She got up, composed herself. "I'm fine," she thought. "More than fine." But she decided to stop at the hospital just in case. Plus, there was another reason she wanted to go.

When she arrived at the medical center, she discovered to her horror, that she did indeed suffer a mild heart attack. Unfortunately, her heart had not been strong before. The left side of her face was now partially paralyzed. She looked terrible. Nevertheless, she felt with luck and money she could return to normal. Coyly, she asked about her husband. Had he been notified she was there? Had he come to the hospital?

Surprised, the doctor said that, yes, indeed, he had come to the hospital. "He also had a heart attack."

"Oh, that's terrible!" she feigned surprise. "Is he dead?"

"Oh no, his attack was 10 times milder than yours."

[Next: Calculating Meanings]