Saturday, June 1, 2013

John Cleese: Alerts to threats in 2013 Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person 

A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC." 


James R said...

Because this has received over 500 outside views the last few days, I feel that some disclosure is appropriate. It appears this very funny piece is a collaboration of sorts going back to 2005. Every few months, since we continually have threats, it becomes popular. Although I have no special information about its author or history, the best analysis I found was at which you can read here.

Big Myk said...

Before posting this, I tried to track down the source without much success (It had been emailed to me). There were suggestions, however, that the author was neither John Cleese nor anyone from Monty Python.

But, wow, that's a lot of hits. Too bad it had no original content. Not that it will ever approach the mother of all posts: "Thinking about Re-thinking the Milgram Study," whose hits now approach 1000.

James R said...

At the rate of the last few days, this semi-viral post should pass 1000 this week.

Big Myk said...

Also in the stratosphere (at least for this blog) is young Pete's "Looking for a Pumpkinhead Man Illustration/Drawing," which stands today at 855 hits.

The famous poet Eric McTeagle has had success with a similarly form, as in his "Can I have Fifty Pounds to Mend the Shed?"

Can I have £50 to mend the shed?
I'm fight on my uppers. I can pay you back
When this postal order comes from Australia.
Honestly. Hope the bladder trouble's getting better.
Love, Ewan.

keith1818 said...

'Bout time Whitey took in on the chin a little. Tks to Cleese or whoever. We need a little high humor.