He was a hardworking farm boy

Peter H of Lebo: I really need to get an iPhone

Either that or Rosetta Stone.

MI CHIAMO STAN
by Ian Frazier
APRIL 13, 2009

He was a hardworking farm boy. She was an Italian supermodel. He knew he would have just one chance to impress her.
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LESSON 1—Beginning conversation; basic nouns and verbs. Memorize the following vocabulary:

Hello! — Ciao!
name — nome
telephone number — numero di telefono
to live — vivere
Quad Cities — Città “Quad”
Valentino — Valentino
ag school — scuola agraria
to be — essere
stock-tank de-icer — macchina che toglie il ghiaccio dal serbatoio dell’abbeveratoio
Fall Fashion Week — Settimana della Moda dell’Autunno

Sample sentences. Practice saying these out loud:

Hello! May I have your name and telephone number?
Ciao! Potrei avere il suo nome ed il suo numero di telefono?

My name is Stan, which is a nickname for Stancil.
Mi chiamo Stan, che è il diminutivo di Stancil.

I live on a farm near the Quad Cities.
Vivo in una fattoria vicino alle Città “Quad.”

They are Moline, Rock Island, Davenport, and Bettendorf.
Sono Moline, Rock Island, Davenport, e Bettendorf.

Not many people know what the Quad Cities are.
Non molte persone sanno cosa sono le Città “Quad.”

East Moline is technically one of the Quad Cities also, but it’s usually left out, because that would make five.
Tecnicamente, East Moline è una delle Città “Quad,” ma di solito si omette perché sennò sarebbero cinque.

Who is your favorite Italian fashion designer?
Chi è il suo stilista italiano preferito?

Personally, I have been a fan of Valentino ever since ag school.
Personalmente, sono stato un ammiratore di Valentino fin dalla scuola agraria.

During Milan’s Fall Fashion Week, in which hotel will you be staying?
Durante la Settimana della Moda dell’Autunno di Milano, in quale hotel starà?

Could you please give me directions how to get to that hotel from western Illinois?
Per favore, mi potrebbe indicare la strada per quell’hotel partendo dall’Illinois occidentale?

Now I must repair the stock-tank de-icer in our back pasture.
Ora devo riparare la macchina che toglie il ghiaccio dal serbatoio dell’abbeveratoio, che sta nel pascolo.

It is a piece of junk, and has once again broken down.
È un relitto, e si è rotto ancora una volta.

Well, goodbye, and have a good day, O.K.?
Arrivederci, e buona giornata, O.K.?



LESSON 3—Regular verbs. Familiarize yourself with the conjugation of the verb “to milk” (mungere):

I milk io mungo
you (s.) milk tu mungi
he/she milks lui/lei munge
we milk noi mungiamo
you (pl.) milk voi mungete
they milk loro mungono

Milk! (imp.) Mungi! (s.)
Mungete! (pl.)

Many other verbs—to water (innaffiare), to hay (falciare il fieno), to pose (posare), to mow (mietere), to pleat (pieghettare), to manure (concimare), to accessorize (dotare di accessori), to sashay (ancheggiare), to diet (fare la dieta), to apply bag balm (applicare balsalmo per mammelle), and to hiss (fischiare)—take more or less the same endings, so it will be useful to learn them all.



LESSON 7—At the Fuel Co-Op.
Now you are ready to make simple purchases and discuss everyday topics with people on the street. Repeat this typical conversation alone or with a partner until it comes naturally to you:

Good afternoon, Owney. I would like to buy two tanks of propane.
Buon pomeriggio, Owney. Vorrei comprare due serbatoi di propano, per favore.

I said, “I would like to buy some propane!”
Ho detto, “Vorrei comprare del propano!”

Of course you can’t understand me. That is because I am talking in Italian.
Certo lei non può capirmi. Sarà perché sto parlando in italiano.

Laugh if you wish, Owney, but someday I will be having sex with a beautiful Italian supermodel in Milan, Italy, while you are still here sweeping fertilizer pellets off the floor.
Rida se vuole, Owney, ma un giorno farò sesso con una top model italiana a Milano, Italia, mentre lei sarà qui a spazzare via le palline di fertilizzante.

Well, goodbye, Owney. I will buy my propane another day.
Arrivederci, Owney. Comprerò il propano un altro giorno.



LESSON 13—Verbs of motion. Italian verbs of motion use different forms depending on their contexts, as the following examples demonstrate:

to drive (in a vehicle) — guidare
to ride — farsi dare un passaggio
to walk — camminare

Example: If you will not drive me to the bus station, Mom, I will ride with the mailman, or walk.
Mamma, se non mi porti alla stazione degli autobus, mi farò dare un passaggio dal postino, o camminerò.

to run — correre
to fall — cadere
to board — imbarcarsi

Example: I ran down the concourse, fell over somebody’s suitcase, and boarded my flight to Milan just in time.
Correvo lungo l’atrio, e sono caduto sulla valigia di qualcuno, ma poi mi sono imbarcato per Milano giusto in tempo.

to fly — volare
to hurl — lanciare

Example: I don’t like to fly. I might hurl.
Non amo volare. Potrei lanciare.



LESSON 18—At the police station.
Often, foreigners who can speak Italian have difficulty understanding native speakers when they talk quickly, use idioms, or do not pause for response. Listen to the following common sentences in the audio portion of the lesson and replay them as often as you need to.

May I see your passport, please?
Potrei vedere il suo passaporto, per favore?

I must ask you to come with me.
Devo chiederle di venire con me.

Spread your arms and place your hands against the wall.
Stenda le braccia e collochi le mani contro il muro.

Are you aware that stalking a supermodel without her consent is a violation of Italian law?
Lei è consapevole che infastidire una top model senza il suo consenso è una violazione della legge italiana?

This pocket dictionary of Italian prison slang may be useful to you.
Questo dizionario tascabile di gergo carcerario italiano le potrebbe essere utile.

Please surrender your chewing tobacco to the desk clerk. It will be returned to you upon your release.
Per favore depositi il suo tabacco da masticare all’impiegato. Le sarà restituito quando sarà rilasciato.



LESSON 25—Review and summary.
Congratulations on completing this introductory course in spoken Italian! Now that you have put in all the required work, you may be interested to know that most of the people you will meet in Italy probably speak English already. Diplomats, tour guides, stylists, supermodels, and so on may be relied on to have a good command of our language. In that regard, you have largely wasted your time.

Just because they speak English, however, does not mean these folks are a breeze to understand. Quite the contrary! Often, their speech is heavily accented and their phrasing and word use are so eccentric that you must pay close attention in order to get their meaning. Practice your comprehension skills by listening to the passage on the audio as you follow along below:

“Ah, Stancil, I am so fortunata that you came into my life! At first, true, I did not—come si dice—realize what a blessing you were for me. And, true, I had you jailed in prison, but later I changed my thoughts, and paid your bail money, so we could be together now and always. Your love rescued me from the cruel fates of catwalk model, such as attending parties and enjoying cocaine and earning many, many milioni every year or even every month—but at such a cost! My unnatural thinness, so unwelcome for me, so malsana, when my bust measurement is in fact fuller than is suggested in this industry! Always my dream has been to meet a young American with a dairy-cow-and-feeder-pig operation somewhere in the valley of the Des Plaines River of Illinois, to where we will now go immediatamente so we can be married and have many children, and I will join the local 4-H advisers’ group to give me something to do when I am not cooking gourmet Italian dinners for you and satisfying you matrimonially!”

Pinch yourself to test your comprehension.